


Your name in the stars

by UpInSpace



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Space, Amnesia, Angst, Childhood Friends, M/M, Open Ending, Voluntary amnesia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:01:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24653518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UpInSpace/pseuds/UpInSpace
Summary: It’s been six months, two days and four hours since Akaashi first vanished into thin air and Bokuto sets foot in a new planet, the last remaining stop on what’s left of the trail he had painfully managed to dig out on his quest to find him.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	Your name in the stars

**Author's Note:**

> I wish I knew what I did here, but I can't say I do, this just turned into a monster. I do hope it's still enjoyable though.  
> I wrote this one to [Jessie Reyez's Love in the dark](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xv-MFkCP02s), which is an amazing song

It had taken Bokuto one day to notice something was amiss, two to realize he didn’t know where Akaashi was, three to put up a missing person’s report. He’d looked in every crook, every cranny, every dark alleyway and hospital. 

Hoping. Fearing. Dreading.

A week and a half later he’d taken off, unable to keep still as the police shook their heads at him, a mixture of pity and indifference in their eyes as they told him there was nothing to be done.

It’s been six months, two days and four hours since then, since Akaashi first vanished into thin air. Six moths, two days and four hours that passed in a blur, all tangled up together, nothing to differentiate them save for the pain in Bokuto’s chest, an ache that’s settled deep within his bones, refusing to leave, growing with every passing second.

Six moths, two days and four hours and Bokuto sets foot in a new planet, the one farthest away from his. It’s a tiny one, just on the verge of falling off the universe, the last remaining stop on what’s left of the trail he had painfully managed to dig out on his quest to find Akaashi.

It was a trail made of nothing but whispers and echoes, nothing worth noting, nothing worth his attention, but Bokuto has been in this business long enough to know it’s the echoes and whispers that deliver the truth, that nothing conceals a trail better than the darkest shadows no one wants to face.

He knows it’s the brightest stars that cast the darkest shadows, no place better to hide than in the void space between them, where the light is blinding and that darkness is the deepest.

The murmurs have never failed him before, and if this is where they’ve lead him, then here he will find Akaashi, or so he hopes. 

He’s never done this alone, never gone after someone without Akaashi by his side, and he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to do it, not when it’s Akaashi the one who makes sense of Bokuto’s scrambled thoughts, the one who manages to put into words what’s just a mess in Bokuto’s mind. 

Without Akaashi, everything feels strange, his own body foreign to himself, as if it belonged to another, someone who’s not lost and searching, but proud and strong, capable. He brushes his fingers against his chest, where the ache is strongest, and he can almost see it, the gaping hole there, poorly concealed under a thin layer of skin, tainting everything, making him stumble into the darkness, alone.

Bokuto pushes those thoughts away and walks, ignoring those around him, not even sparing a glance at the unfamiliar landscapes around him, until he stops in front of a building, heart beating loudly in his chest. 

“Akaashi,” he whispers. “Are you here?”

_Akaashi Akaashi Akaashi Akaashi_ , the stars echo back at him, the orange sky above him almost mocking, and he sighs, crumpling a piece of paper in his fist.

Bokuto has always been a little stronger, a little faster, a little luckier than most. He’s always shone a little brighter than the rest, as if the stars that whispered to him had lent him some of their light. Even then, he knows that, if he doesn’t find anything that leads him to Akaashi soon, none of that will matter: he’ll crumble under the weight of Akaashi’s absence, under the questions that plague his mind, threatening to make him come undone.

It always comes to that, after all. To the questions that lead to more questions, no answers in sight, not even now, not even when Bokuto is standing in front of the _Mindless clinic_ , and he doesn’t even know why.

Why would Akaashi disappear without a word? Why would he come to a small, unimportant planet on the end of the universe? And why would he walk into an amnesia clinic?

_Welcome to the Mindless clinic_ , read the pamphlet that had rolled to a stop by his feet, just a week ago. It was dirty and torn in places, but Bokuto had known it was important, and so he had bent over and picked it up, carefully smoothing out the wrinkles to read it. _Sometimes to fly, we must get rid of our anchors. The past can’t be changed, but we can. Come find us!_

It was a short, cryptic pamphlet, but Bokuto has seen plenty of them to know what it was that they were offering. They had quickly spread all over the galaxy, after all: memory erasure clinics, they were officially called. Amnesia hospitals was how most people referred to them.

They were places that offered to take away those memories you didn’t want to keep any longer. They had started small, only taking a few select customers at first, offering a service unknown until then, but it hadn’t taken long before they had taken root in society, attracting those who desperately wanted to get rid of memories they didn’t wish to keep. Sometimes it was helpful, therapeutic even; others they were inconsequential memories, people with too much money in their hands who no longer knew what to do with it, and underwent those procedures just for fun. In some other, darker cases, it was said people with guilty consciences, when they thought the police was about to catch them, decided to get rid of the incriminating evidence: it was hard to call someone to testify when they didn’t even know what they were supposed to say.

Akaashi didn’t, doesn’t, fit in any of those groups, however, and Bokuto knows he would have never gone there without telling him and yet, here he is, frozen before an amnesia clinic, too scared to even move, something in him dreading what he might find inside.

He had resisted coming, at first, thinking that maybe he was reading too much into a torn pamphlet, until he woke up in the middle of the night, drenched in cold sweat, the whispering around him echoing against the walls of a spaceship that was too big for him. He hadn’t even tried to get back to sleep, instead entering the coordinates of the planet he was currently standing on.

“Akaashi would do this,” he whispers to himself and, in the end, that’s what it comes down to, to what he would and wouldn’t do for Akaashi, and Akaashi for him, and there’s very little in the universe Bokuto wouldn’t do, or give, to get him back. 

Bokuto is sure that, should someone reach out and plunge their hand into his chest, breaking his ribs and leaving his insides out in the open, exposed to all, they wouldn’t find a heart beating in his chest, but an Akaashi-shaped hole, painfully empty since the moment he went missing. 

There’s no planet he wouldn’t set foot it, no star he won’t look at for guidance, not when it’s Akaashi that’s waiting for him on the other side. So, even if it terrifies him what he might find inside, he still knows it’ll be worth it if it leads him back to Akaashi and that’s all it comes down to, after all. 

It doesn’t matter where he might end up crashing, not if Akaashi is with him.

His legs are moving before Bokuto can even think about it, leading him towards the doors of the clinic, and his hands tremble slightly before he pushes the doors open, walking inside. 

The room that welcomes him is sparse, with no one but the receptionist in sight, though it looks better than he thought it would, cleaner and nicer. It had been a six-day trip before he had reached the planet, and he had used it to pull out everything he could find on the clinic, which wasn’t much: it was an old and established one, that had once been renowned but that had slowly slipped into the background, surpassed by newer, more modern establishments. It had changed hands a couple of times before the current management had stepped in, nurturing it back to life, bringing it back to its former glory.

The girl behind the reception looks up from the holo screen in front of her and lets out a surprised yelp as she sees him come in. It appears to Bokuto she’s trembling, blonde hair hiding eyes that are too big for her face, clouded with something that looks like nervousness.

“How can I help you?” She croaks out, eyes fixed on his face.

If this were a normal job he’d try to calm her down, try to ease her nervousness and fear, but this isn’t a normal job and Bokuto can’t find it in him the ability to calm himself down, less so someone else.

“My name is Bokuto Koutarou. I’m looking for someone who might be staying here, a patient,” he says instead, and her eyes widen.

“There’s no one here now. We’re not that kind of clinic,” she replies cautiously.

Bokuto runs his hand through his mess of a hair and nods before continuing, trying to reign in his impatience. 

It’s not her fault he’s here. It’s not her fault he fears he’s too late.

“I know the kind of clinic you are. I have reasons to believe this man has come here at some point,” he digs into his back pocket as he speaks and takes out his tablet.

Even now, six months late, it still makes him sick to his stomach to project Akaashi’s hologram, to have people trying to place where they’ve seen him, as they try to remember one chance encounter that could mean nothing to them, but everything for Bokuto. 

The receptionist doesn’t look at it for long, though, her eyes flickering back to Bokuto’s face just after a brief look.

“We can’t reveal anything about our patients, I’m sorry,” she says, and her eyes widen when he leans forward, bringing his face closer to hers.

“You’re an amnesia clinic, not a hospital, so you don’t the physician-patient privilege. I just want to know if he was here,” he replies.

She opens her mouth to reply, averting her gaze, but all colour drains from her face before she does. Confused, Bokuto follows her eyes, and realizes she’s staring at the chain that has slipped from underneath his shirt. He uses it to hang his ring around his neck so as to avoid losing itwhile he pilots his ship and, sure enough, the said ring dangles from it, the fluorescents making it gleam under the harsh light. (Behind and half-hidden from sight by the ring, hangs a small and old-fashioned pendant Akaashi once gifted him, twin to the one Akaashi himself wears around his neck. It contains a small portrait of Akaashi, but that one’s just for Bokuto to see).

“Is he dangerous? A criminal?” The receptionist lets out in a pained whisper, her voice bringing Bokuto back to his body.

“No,” he shakes his head, pursing his lips. It seems like she has recognized the ring, the one only those like him wear. ‘Independent contractors’ is the official name. Bokuto finds that ‘bounty hunters’ summon them up much better. They have a rep, a notorious one, for that matter, all over the galaxy, and it seems to have reached even such a remote planet. “But he might be in danger,” he continues, trying to keep his voice steady. 

He’s not sure he manages to do it.

That’s the side of their job most people seem to ignore: they not only hunt for strange artifacts or criminals, but for everything and anything, including missing people. If the price is good enough, high enough, they’ll do anything. Admittedly, not many people contact bounty hunters to search for their loved ones, but some do, and now Bokuto is using that same set of skills to search for his missing half.

Bokuto was expecting more resistance on her part, there always is, but something in him seems to have convinced her he’s telling the truth for, even if she still appears guarded, and afraid, the receptionist nods her head slightly, turning towards the computer.

“I think I remember his face,” she says softly. “It was sometime ago but we don’t get that many customers,” she shrugs, brushing her hair behind away from her face and behind her ear. “Tell me his name.”

“Akaashi Keiji,” Bokuto replies, a bitter taste in his mouth replacing the warmth he used to feel as he says the name aloud.

She nods, pulling up a search bar on the holo screen, and it covers what she was looking at before, something that looked pretty much like a doodle of a bird and a cat. Her fingers fly over the keyboard as she types in the name, her eyes scanning the results.

“We had a patient by that name who came in almost six months ago. Underwent a whole wipe out, then left. The procedure was a success and he never came back.”

“Did he leave an address, or some way to contact him? Anything?” Bokuto asks, his shoulder slumping, face visibly crumbling down when the receptionist shakes her head.

“We’re not that kind of clinic, I’m sorry,” she repeats, and she really does seem like she means her words, eyes softening around the edges, a sympathetic look in them.

“When you say he underwent a whole wipe out, what do you mean?” Bokuto replies instead, trying to not feel disheartened. It’s hard not to, though, when the silence between them stretches, the woman clearly reluctant to say anything. “Please? It’s really important that I find him,” he presses on, and what she sees on his face must be pitiful enough to move her.

“He had a significant amount of his memories erased,” she replies with a sigh. Her fingers twitch on her lap, her eyes scanning Bokuto’s expression like she’s waiting for him to break down. 

“How much is ‘a significant amount’?” Bokuto whispers.

His voice is barely audible and yet it echoes around in the room, growing in volume every time it bounces back. The stars murmur in his ear, their whispering almost strong enough to pull him up into space with them.

_Akaashi Akaashi Akaashi Akaashi._

The only reason he doesn’t float around is because his feet seem rooted to the ground, like the planet itself is pulling him down, unwilling to let him go. He doesn’t even notice how hard he’s gripping the counter, knuckles going white, until he feels a warm hand hesitantly touching his fingers, grounding him.

He blinks and he finds brown eyes worriedly peering at him. Shaking his head, Bokuto takes a step back, thrusting his hands inside his pockets, willing them to stay steady.

“Never mind,” he says. “Thank you for your help,” he continues, just about to turn on his heels and run back to his ship.

He’s about to do so when he feels fingers on his skin again, this time gripping his wrist, keeping him locked in place. 

Bokuto stares at the slender fingers around him before staring at the woman. There’s something in her eyes that wasn’t there before, steel hidden behind the nervousness and the fear, and it shines now in them, as she looks at Bokuto with her lips pressed into a firm line. She’s half-thrown on top of the counter, the edge of it digging into her stomach, but she doesn’t mind the awkward position at all, only releasing him when she’s sure he won’t bolt.

“As much as I’d like to help you, I can’t tell you the details of his procedure. That much’s protected by the laws,” she says softly, and Bokuto nods soundlessly. “But, there’s something I can show you,” she continues. “Most of our patients, if not all, leave behind some sort of… Guide, you can call it like that. Some kind of summary of what happened to make them choose this. Just in case one day they need to know why they did it. He did too,” Bokuto takes a step closer, almost without noticing. “I could show you that, if you want. Just in case he’s in danger and that could help you,” there’s a gleam in her eyes and Bokuto finds himself nodding frantically, almost desperately.

“Of course. That would be most helpful,” he replies, his words a little breathless. 

She nods.

“Follow me, then,” are the soft instructions as she leaves behind the reception.

Without looking back, she places a hand on a white panel just in front of Bokuto. Soundlessly, it slides to the side, revealing a narrow hallway behind. Bokuto trails after the woman, their steps the only thing to be heard as they walk through the hallway. There are doors on both sides of it, but they pass them without so much as a look, and it’s not until they reach the last door that the woman opens it, stepping to a side to let Bokuto in.

The room is as sparse and white as they reception was, though this one resembles a dentist’s office. Standing in the middle of the room there’s a chair that looks pretty similar to those of a dentist, with the sole exception there’s something that looks very much like straps at the end of the armrests. As Bokuto comes closer, he sees the same things where his legs would go. There’s also something that looks like an adjustable lamp hovering right on top of the chair but a closer inspecting reveals it’s not a lamp but rather someplace he’ll have to put his head in.

“Feel free to sit there as I get the machine running,” as if sensing his growing nervousness, the woman speaks. “It won’t take much, and I swear it will not hurt.”

“What are the straps for, then?” Bokuto asks, still eyeing them wearily, even as he sits on the chair, leaning back on it. 

Around the room, the woman continues to move, the machines slowly buzzing to life.

“To prevent you from injuring yourself. This will make you feel like you’re living the memories I’m about to play to you. They will feel extremely real, as real as they were for the person who lived them. Most people can handle it, can sense it’s nothing but a memory, and seeing as you will not be experiencing your own memories, but somebody else’s, you should be fine, but, just in case, I will be holding you down to prevent any accidents, if that’s okay with you,” she says, coming to a stop besides him, a small robot by her side. Bokuto nods weakly. “Great, then. I will now put the headpiece on you, and we can begin but, before that, I must ask: are you sure about this?”

“I am,” Bokuto licks his lips and nods.

“Are you sure?” She presses on, and Bokuto frowns. “I don’t want you to regret this after it’s done. I won’t be able to pull you out unless it’s absolutely necessary.”

“I’m sure,” he replies. “You did say I wouldn’t get hurt, didn’t you?”

“Physically, you’ll be fine, yes but emotionally… I can’t promise you that,” she says, and something in her voice makes him look up, alarmed. “I’ve seen this enough times to know not everyone is prepared to see the other side.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Bokuto whispers. “Even if I’m not, I must, so, please, play them for me.”

“Good luck, then,” a cascade of blonde hair is the last thing he sees before the headpiece descends over him and he plunges into darkness.

***

_The Sun is bright, warm against his skin, the cool spring breeze brushing against his fringe. It’s a peaceful morning, and he has a book open on his lap, but he hasn’t read a single page in the last ten minutes. A faint irritation thrums through him, and he drums his fingers against the cover of the book, impatiently trying to recover his lost concentration._

_He breathes deeply through his nose, trying to get back to his book, but he hasn’t read not even two lines before a new shout disrupts the silence. Gritting his teeth, he shuts the book close and jumps to his feet._

_He follows the source of the noise past his backyard, where he was reading, and leaves his house behind, walking until he reaches the end of the street. There, he finds what he was looking for. Or rather, who he was looking for: a kid, with wild silvery hair, jumping up and down, facing a tree, his back to the street. Every time he jumped, he would scream._

_Jump. Scream. Jump. Scream. Jump. Scream._

_“What are you doing?” He asks as the boy is about to jump again._

_The boy freezes as he was about to jump again, arms extended towards the sky. Slowly, as if he were scared, he turns around. His eyes, coloured in an amber hue that looks almost golden, are open wide as he faces the newcomer, his mouth hanging low._

Looking at his own face through someone else’s eyes is an experience, and one Bokuto wasn’t expecting, even if, in retrospective, he probably should have. 

_“What are you doing?” Akaashi repeats, when it becomes apparent the other boy is not about to answer._

_“I was trying to get that down,” he replies, pointing at something located in the tree’s lower branches: a ball. “But I can’t reach it,” he continues. His voice is loud, louder than his appearance suggests, louder than anyone’s voice should probably be._

_Akaashi frowns._

_“And why are you screaming when you jump? Is that helping you?”_

_The other boy shrugs, looking slightly sheepish as he rubs the back of his neck._

_“Not really. I was just doing what they told me,” Akaashi’s frown deepens, and the other boy smiles widely, sensing his confusion. “The stars. They told me if I screamed, I would get the ball down,” his smile disappears, replaced by a pout and a slight frown. Both are gone soon, though, the smile slipping back into place, like the Sun coming back after being obscured by clouds. “It hasn’t worked yet but I’ll get it back,” he grins._

_Akaashi tilts his head to the side, eyes scanning all over the place._

_“If you bring that closer,” he says, pointing to a big wooden box half-hidden behind a rock, “you might be able to reach the ball.”_

_The boy looks to the box, back to Akaashi and then to the box again. His eyes open even wider than they did before, so much Akaashi worries they’re going to pop from his sockets, before his face gets split in half by the brightest grin he’s ever seen._

_“You’re a genius!! Thank you!!” He screams, even louder than he did before, as he jumps to drag the box closer to where he needs it._

_Akaashi warily watches from the side as he gets on top of the box, standing on his tiptoes, and finally manages to get the ball down. Holding it close to his chest, he turns around to beam at Akaashi, jumping down from the box and walking towards him._

_“Thank you! I wouldn’t have gotten it without you! I’m Bokuto Koutarou!”_

_Akaashi stares at Bokuto’s face for a moment, inspecting him closely, before his lips curve into a small smile._

_“I’m Akaashi Keiji.”_

_“Hello, Akaashi! Let’s be friends!”_

***

_Akaashi is half-walking, half-running through the woods, with the Moon,_ Earth’s _moon, shining up in the sky, lighting up his path, though it wouldn’t matter if it were a dark night, not with how Akaashi isn’t paying attention to where he’s putting his feet. He looks from one side of the woods to another, frantically searching for something._

_It’s not until Akaashi’s steps abruptly halt to a stop that he sees it, the head with a mop with silvery gray hair lying on the ground, and he realizes what is it that he’s seeing: the first time he’d almost gotten lost, and Akaashi had gone out to look for him._

_It is nothing but a faded memory in Bokuto’s head, but it was crystal clear in Akaashi’s, something in it giving a worn impression, as if it were a photograph with frayed edges, tucked safely into a wallet, but pulled out often._

_None of that matters to the seven-year old Akaashi, whose hands tremble slightly, a tremor that’s barely perceptible to the outsider’s eyes, but that runs through Akaashi’s body like an earthquake._ _Relief floods his veins, past the anger and the fear that had clouded his vision, and he finds himself able to breathe once again._

_He approaches the clearing in which Bokuto is lying on the floor, but he hasn’t even taken two steps when the other boy whips his head to the side, smiling almost as if he already knew Akaashi was there._

_“Hey hey hey Akaashi! I found you!” Bokuto cries out as he jumps to his feet, grin almost blinding in the dim light, but Akaashi barely pays it any attention._

_“What are you talking about, you didn’t find me,_ I _found_ you _!” He replies, taking half a step closer._

_Happiness bleeds out from Bokuto’s face, replaced by confusion, and he tilts his head to the side. His eyes watch Akaashi from head to toe, and back up again. Akaashi freezes, body locking into place, weariness flooding his veins. It’s not Bokuto per se he’s weary of, but of what those eyes might see, Bokuto the only person who can see straight through him, even when Akaashi doesn’t want him to._

_“Why are you mad, Akaashi?” Bokuto asks as he takes a step forward. His eyes never leave Akaashi’s face, as if he were reading the answers to his question plainly written there._

_Maybe he is, and that’s why Akaashi feels so transparent when Bokuto stares at him._

_“You could have gotten lost!” He knows his voice is steady, nothing betraying the wave of emotion that threatens to sweep him under, but he also knows that means little when it comes to Bokuto._

_Bokuto shakes his head, the worry in his eyes replaced by pure mirth, as if Akaashi’s fears meant nothing, as if he knew something Akaashi didn’t, or had forgotten._

_“But your name is written in the stars, Akaashi! I just have to look up and I’ll find you, I can’t get lost when I know my way back to you.”_

_Akaashi’s heart skips a beat and all but stops as he forgets to breathe, before resuming it’s beating, faster and louder than it did before._

Distantly, the part of Bokuto that’s still himself stares at his younger version’s face in wonder, at his eyes that are too big and honest, completely unable of deceit, as transparent as Akaashi himself fears he is _._ Did I always look at him like that? Did Akaashi always know?

He has no time to ponder over it, not when the memories are still rolling, and Akaashi takes a step back, turning around.

_“Let’s go back, Bokuto-san,” he says instead, and Bokuto falls into step beside him, chatting happily, unaware of the way Akaashi’s heart is beating in his chest, loud enough to drown out everything else._

***

_The cheering is loud, way too loud, but Akaashi doesn’t mind, not this time. He’s among those who cheer the loudest, in fact, so much that he knows his throat will hurt in the morning, but he doesn’t care._

_It had made him happy when they had called his name. It had made him ecstatic when they had called Bokuto’s, and the entire auditorium had seem to fall down with the force of their cheers._

_The ring around his finger is warm, a reward after all his hard work, a ticket to see everything the galaxy has to offer, and he can’t wait for the moment in which he’ll get in a spaceship (his own spaceship) and go do just that._

_Bokuto turns around from where he’s half-buried in the embrace of their classmates and smiles at Akaashi, arms extended towards him as he pulls him in, their fingers intertwined, hands slotted together like two puzzle pieces._

_Akaashi’s heart thumps in his chest as a smile splits his face. He truly can’t wait for that moment to come._

_***_

_Memories start spinning faster, flashes of them one after the other, almost too fast to follow, but Bokuto does, because that’s his life,_ their _life, even if it’s a tale told from the other side of the glass._

_Their first missions, when they were starry-eyes newbies who wanted to see everything there was and more. Their first spaceship, and the one that replaced it after Bokuto accidentally crashed it._

_Long nights spent between the stars, among planets they had only ever dreamt about. Looks that lingered, smiles that warmed each other, arms that caught them when they were slipping._

_They spin, faster and faster, a kaleidoscope of images that compose their life._

_Singing over the music coming from a half-broken stereo, emergency repairs under a red light that presaged nothing good, fingers brushing together, braving to cross the space between them._

_A kiss. A smile. Silence._

_Words that meant nothing spilling from lips before they could be stopped, the ones that mattered hidden behind an impenetrable wall, secrets kept under seven locks._

_Akaashi and Bokuto standing together, close enough to touch, but not quite, a physical representation of what they’ve turned into._

_Friendship. Love. Sadness. Pain._

_Pain that grows, a crescendo that slowly rises in volume, mixing with anger and the taste of salt and iron, teeth digging into the tender flesh of his lips to keep the words from coming._

_Silence._

_A kiss, lips pressed to the crown of a sleeping head, silver hair tickling at his cheeks._

_Silence._

_***_

_A piercing sound as something crashes to the ground, splintering the silence, and Akaashi flinches, eyes burning._

_“Stop! Just stop lying, I can’t go on like this, I can’t take it anymore!” Words that pierce through the air, serrated edges cutting deep inside._

There’s salt on his cheeks and iron in his mouth, his arms bulging from how hard he’s shaking against the bindings, and everything’s wrong, wrong, so wrong.

There’s pain and there’s rage, so intertwined he no longer knows which is Akaashi’s and which is his. It lingers in the back of his mind, in the edge of his conscience, the knowledge that there’s something wrong, that that’s not the way he remembers it, it’s not the way it happened, but there’s nothing to be done, not when the memory fades into black, the last thing he sees his own eyes staring at Akaashi, irises of molten gold jumping against the redness of his face, whole body shaking in what looks like rage.

His voice, loud and piercing, seems to echo in the darkness for a moment longer than it should, words shimmering before they disappear, replaced by another memory.

_“Are you sure about that?” The receptionist,_ Yachi _, he reads on her name tag, asks, her eyes blown wide, as if surprised by his request._

_Akaashi’s fingers dig into the strap of bag he’s carrying on his shoulder, clenching his teeth before forcing himself to relax. Yachi watches his every move, fingers twitching in her lap._

_“I’m sure,” he replies, even if he’s throat closes up momentarily. Yachi waits until he’s able to speak again. “I want to do this.”_

_“Erasing the memories linked to one specific person is easy enough but from what you’ve told me, you’ve known this person your whole life,” she says, leaning forward. She stares at him, unblinking, as if trying to make him understand what she’s saying, as if he didn’t fully understand the repercussions of this decision, as if he hadn’t pondered over it for weeks, trying to build up his courage. As if he hadn’t left in the middle of the night, like a thief, nothing more than a brief look back before he slipped out of the building and jumped onto the first ship he found. “If you erase everything linked to him, that would be pretty much erasing everything. Erasing yourself,” she insists when he doesn’t show any sign of emotion._

_“I have the money,” he says instead._

_Yachi shakes her head, blonde hair flying with the movement._

_“That’s not the issue here,” she replies softly. “I need to know you’re absolutely sure about this. You’re basically erasing your whole existence. You might as well wipe out all your memories.”_

_“Would that make it easier?” He asks, and watches as Yachi’s eyes grow wider, not expecting that question. “Would wiping out all my memories make the process easier?” He insists when he doesn’t receive a reply._

_Yachi blinks, shaking her head. She opens her mouth, closes it and breathes in deeply._

_“I guess so. It’d at least make sure there’s absolutely no trace of the person you want to forget but—”_

_“Let’s do that, then. Erase all of them.”_

***

The fluorescent light above him is harsh, blinding him momentarily as he regains his bearing, but Bokuto can’t bring himself to care. He doesn’t even notice the binding around his wrists loosening until a handkerchief appears in his field of vision.

“Are you okay?” The receptionist, asks him when he takes it, using it to wipe away his tears.

Bokuto considers trying a smile, more for her sake than his, but dismisses the idea almost immediately, knowing there’s no way his mouth will cooperate.

Akaashi’s words echo in his ears, refusing to leave. They’ll stick around for a long time.

“Not really,” he replies instead, his voice hoarser than he had expected. It feels as if he had been screaming for ages. For all he knows, he might have. It wouldn’t surprise him in the slightest.

“Did that help?” She asks, coming closer. She’s holding her hands close to her chest, a look of concern on her face, and a part of Bokuto wonders just how bad he must be looking to be on the receiving end of that stare.

“It… It was not what I expected,” he admits. His hands shake slightly, and he balls them into fists to keep them from trembling any more. “Thank you,” he says, though his words don’t seem to do much to soothe her worries.

He shuffles around to stand but, before he can do so, something to his left moves. He looks up, surprised.

“Oh, yes, I forgot about this, I’m sorry. We need to take a sample of your blood, to keep a record of those who look at the memories, just in case something goes wrong.”

Bokuto opens his mouth to asks but what leaves his lips aren’t words but a yelp and he quickly snatches his hand away, frowning. The robot steps away, it’s smooth, black surface reflecting the light as it retracts into itself what seems like a tiny spike, its end stained red, the letters _KGM9_ engraved just underneath. Bokuto presses his thumb against his mouth to soothe the sting, as the robot starts to emit a barely audible hum. It beeps a couple times before it starts speaking, a metallic sounding voice coming from within it.

“ _Bokuto Koutarou. Clearance granted. Do you wish to watch the rest?_ ”

Surprised, Bokuto looks up before returning his eyes to the robot.

“What is it talking about?”

“Eh, sometimes the patients may leave two guides, one that’s open to everyone, and another that’s only for a restricted number of people. It tends to be just for themselves, though,” she replies, sounding as surprised as Bokuto himself is feeling.

“What do they usually use them for?” Bokuto’s heart thumps loudly in his chest, almost drowning out everything else.

“I can’t say, I really don’t know. It depends on the person, I guess.”

“ _Do you wish to watch the rest_?” The metallic voice asks again, and Bokuto would swear he can almost hear the impatience in it, if he didn’t know that’s not possible.

“I do,” he all but screeches. “I do,” he repeats, more calm. “I want to see it all.”

***

The first few memories that are played stay untouched. Their first meeting, when Bokuto got lost, their graduation. There’s nothing different from the first time, and Bokuto fears he’s just going to live through it all once again, but he knows Akaashi, he knows he’s not cruel like that, and he wouldn’t make such a mistake and so, he patiently waits.

_“Stop! Just stop lying, I can’t go on like this, I can’t take it anymore!” Words that pierce through the air, serrated edges cutting deep inside._

_His own eyes staring at Akaashi, irises of molten gold jumping against the redness of his face, whole body shaking in what looks like pain. There’s pain in Bokuto’s eyes as he takes a step back, stumbling on his feet, walking into the table just beside him._

_A piercing sound as something crashes to the ground, splintering the silence, and Akaashi flinches, eyes burning. He rushes forward, wrapping his arms around Bokuto’s shaking form, uncaring of the tears that stain through his thin shirt._

_“What’s going on, Akaashi? What did I do?” Bokuto whispers, his voice hoarse, and Akaashi’s heart breaks into a million tiny pieces. He closes his eyes firmly, trying to contain the tears that threaten to fall._

_“Nothing. You did nothing wrong, I swear, you’re perfect as you are. I wish I could tell you but not now. As soon as I can but not now. I can’t. I’m sorry,” he whispers against the crown of Bokuto’s head, repeating it again and again, a prayer for absolution, that only gets more insistent when he feels Bokuto’s arms wrapping around his torso._

_“I could never hate you,” Bokuto murmurs then, and Akaashi realizes he must have said something without meaning to, just like he has started to cry without meaning to. “Just don’t lie to me. I don’t think I can take that.”_

_“I promise I won’t,” Akaashi whispers, and Bokuto hugs him closer still._

_Anger simmers in Akaashi’s veins, directed at himself, for being the one who put the pain in Bokuto’s eyes, even after he swore he wouldn’t._

_Anger still simmers in Akaashi’s veins later that night, when he presses his lips to Bokuto’s head in a tender kiss, the long strands of silvery hair tickling his cheeks. The anger mixes with love, the combination of it threatening to make him break down._

_“I love you,” he whispers. Three words that are both a declaration, a promise, and a plea of absolution._

_“Love you too ‘Kaashi,” comes the muffled response from somewhere underneath the covers._

_Akaashi smiles, his eyes lingering on Bokuto’s sleeping form, before turning away, heart breaking with every step he takes, tears that won’t stop flowing falling to the ground beneath his feet._

At this point, the only thing he can taste, is salt.

***

_Akaashi looks up and Bokuto finds himself staring at a mirror, seeing Akaashi’s face for the first time since he started the trip down memory line._

Not expecting that, he recoils, surprised, and the bindings dig deeper into his arms.

_Akaashi’s eyes are unnerving as he stares into the mirror, never tearing them away from his reflection, and Bokuto can almost swear Akaashi is looking directly at him._

_“Bokuto-san,” Akaashi says, and Bokuto inwardly yelps, heart,_ his _heart, roaring in his chest. “I’m sorry it has come to this,” he continues, and Bokuto tries to move closer, tries to reply to him, but it’s not his body, nor is that Akaashi talking to him, even if it feels like it, and so he can’t do anything but watch, a shadow peering into someone else’s dream. “I knew you’d find this, sooner or later,” Akaashi’s eyes seem to soften around the edges, something like fondness in them, and Bokuto feels the need to scream, “and I wish I could tell you everything, but I can’t, not now. Instead, I have to ask you not to look for me, no matter how much you want to. I know you won’t like this, but you need to trust me, Bokuto-san. You once told me my name was written in the stars, and so you’d always be able to find me. Well, the stars always know where to find you, and so will I. I will come back, I promise. I’m sorry too,” he finishes his message, sadness clouding his eyes as the door behind him starts to open, someone coming into the bathroom with him._

The fluorescent lights above him welcome back as the memory fades, leaving nothing but a trail of tears in its wake.

Bokuto’s head hurts as he steps aside, a pain so excruciating he feels like his head might just split into two. The time between the moment he stepped down from the chair until he reached his ship are blurry, a mesh of automated movements and murmured phrases he doesn’t think he’ll ever manage to make sense of.

His head is still stuck in that last memory, refusing to abandon it. It’s not like he can, after all.

That was Bokuto’s life, _their_ lives, intertwined together like vines. There was no Bokuto without Akaashi, no Akaashi without Bokuto, at least not in a degree that mattered, not when they had been there, shaping the other, for as long as Bokuto can remember.

But now that’s no more. Akaashi is gone, a blank slate without his memories, and Bokuto is left with them all, the good, the bad and the painful ones, the sole recipient of a life that used to be shared between two people.

The sky above him is going dark, the deep orange hues replaced by the dark purples and blues, as they chase away the last lights of the day. It feels fitting, to be standing there, the end of the journey at last, but Bokuto shakes his head, clenches his fists.

“Sorry ‘Kaashi. I know what you said, but I’m going to find you,” he promises, under a sky that’s rapidly turning black, the taste of salt on his lips.

There’s no trail to follow, no stars to guide him when his Akaashi is no Akaashi now at all, but Bokuto doesn’t care. He’ll just have to find him the old fashioned way, because he will. There’s no way he won’t.

The spaceship takes off not long after, oblivious to the eyes watching it as it leaves.

**Author's Note:**

> So. I'm pretty sure Bokuaka deserve much more than what I gave them and I'll try and come back and give them something worthy of them but I needed this one out from my drafts. I kinda have a potential sequel lowkey thought out so if you've liked this one and want to know what happens I might as well write it, but if not that's also okay because I know this one was messy, it was so hard to write, you have no idea. I still hope it was nice, though.  
> Thank you so much for reading if you've stuck around until here, you've absolutely made my day.  
> If you've liked it, kudos and comments warm my heart <3
> 
> \- Val


End file.
